January 16, 2009
Breaking News!
From our intrepid reporting staff:
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals today filed a lawsuit against USAir pilot Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger accusing him of wanton and premeditated cruelty to animals for his “vicious murder” of two Canadian Geese and causing “incalculable environmental harm” for his “reckless spillage” of several thousand gallons of kerosene into the fragile ecosystem of the Lower Hudson Watershed.“Imagine the last moments of sheer terror of those poor beautiful creatures,” PETA spokesperson Denia Humana said, “as this “Sully” stalked them down and fed them into the gaping maws of his ferocious carbon-spewing Cuisinarts. And then to compound his genocide he imperils countless millions of Sea Kittens by cruelly and calculatingly finding the one place to land his Sky Murderer that would cause maximum damage to Gaia’s innocents. I mean, couldn’t he have used a building or something?”
Posted by Mr. Bingley at 09:25 AM | Comments (12)
August 23, 2007
For Our Next Entry in the 'That Blows' Category
...I give you 'fish' vice the usual dwarf or Congressman.
Puffer fish sold as salmon kills 15, sickens 115
Chinese cans of the spiny little devils coming soon to a shelf near you! Just look for the leaping sock-eye and the word 'salmon' on the label.
Trei Tai Pei examines a freshly caught chub salmon netted by local, unemployed Cantonese toy industry workers. "We have turned to the sea for it's bounty in the difficult times caused by American Imperialist lies," local toy union boss Wan Hung Lo said Thursday. ©TPI
Posted by tree hugging sister at 03:39 PM | Comments (6)
August 03, 2007
What The Hell?
Someone(s) launched a private sub into the east River today, and the police are not amused
New York- WABC, August 3, 2007) - Several people are being questioned by police after being stopped apparently attempting to set sail off Brooklyn in a makeshift submarine-type vessel.Police say the men were caught in the area of the Brooklyn Cruise Terminal in Downtown Brooklyn, near the Queen Mary 2, just after 11 a.m. this morning
No threatening devices or materials were found on board the vessel.
The initial indication is this is not terrorism related.
Authorities say they were in a large barrel put together as a type of makeshift "submarine-type vessel," complete with oxygen tanks.
Officers responded to the area, found the men and are questioning them. Their intent was not immediately clear.
I mean if you're going to test out your new toy don't do it near the Queen Mary 2, for gosh' sake
CBS) NEW YORK A strange-looking submarine was spotted Friday near the docked Queen Mary II, and NYPD Harbor and SCUBA units arrested three people for questioning.The vessel, with one person inside, and an inflatable boat carrying two people, were spotted near a security zone around the luxury ocean liner docked at the cruise ship terminal in Red Hook, Brooklyn.
It was not clear what the people were doing in the vessels, but police said there was no indication that the incident was related to terrorism.
The sub, piloted by a Greenpoint man, came within 100 feet of the luxury cruise liner.
How very odd.
Update: Via Lawhawk it looks like these guys were just old sub enthusiasts...and that the Coast Guard has pulled them over before.
Posted by Mr. Bingley at 02:26 PM | Comments (9)
May 09, 2007
Let's Just Call Him "Obama"
"...von Schtupp".
"Here I stand, the god of Dems' desire
Set pols on fire,
I have this power.
Morning noon and night, it's tappy dancing,
Quick question ans'ring,
A thoughtful qlower.
Stage door nutroots constantly surround me,
They always hound me,
With one request.
Who can satisfy their spiteful web biz?
I'm not a math whiz!
I need some rest!I'm tired,
Sick and tired of love,
I've had my fill of Rove,
From below and above,
Tired,
Tired of being admired,
Too tired to try to inspire...
Let's face it,
I'm tired!"
-©2007 TPI
Mel Brooks is one prescient mofo.
Posted by tree hugging sister at 12:39 PM | Comments (4)
October 09, 2006
This Is an ODD Co-incidence, N'est Pas?
First salad bar spinach...then Iraqi policemen...and now...
Sweet little old ladies at a REPUBLICAN fundraising luncheon!
- "Suck it up, Grannie!" Senator John Kerry implores geriatric Republican supporter MayBelle Ipswitch, after presenting her with a luscious plate of victuals.The widowed Mrs. Ipswitch replied saucily "But she hasn't got any!"
"Shut your piehole and masticate, you blithering hag." the Massachusetts Democrat retorted. ©TPI 2006
If anyone can establish WHEN Howard Dean and the Democratic leadership knew about Sen. Kerry's garçon fantasies, we could blow this sucker wide open.
Posted by tree hugging sister at 02:24 PM | Comments (2)
September 27, 2006
I Have Dropped A Big Fat FATWAH on Tim "Aussie Infidel" BLAIR !!
He has impugned the Prophet (pieces be upon him) AND ARTISTS, calling us a "docile species". Knowing such coward's talk is Aussie Pig Latin for "P-WORDS", I have called upon my friends...
-CAIR News Conference Photo Courtesy of "It Comes in Pints?"
...in all the far lands of Islam (pieces be upon them, too) for support in my outrage at this scurrilous, slurious pigdog.
Our shari’a is the most perfect of the orthodox, merciful shari’as, praise be to God. Our religious scholars said, “That which is absolute in its monotheism (perfection in monotheism), is merciful in its shari’a tenets (ease, simplicity, clarity, practicality, and other characteristics of it). Therefore, unless our military actions are servant to our judicious shari’a policy, and unless our short-term goals and successes are servant to our ultimate goal and highest aims, then they will be akin to exhaustion, strain, and illusion. It will be a bit like the happiness of children over something at the beginning of the day, which wears out by the end of the day and its evening! We ask God for security and safety.*
Oh yeah, heretic Blair. I got yer "docile" right here, big boy.
* Authentic medieval phraseology courtesy of al-Qa`ida
Posted by tree hugging sister at 10:38 AM | Comments (33)
September 20, 2006
Now THAT'S a HEFTY Bag
"While we have not definitively put this interesting little picture to bed, there is considerable thought that it is just a plastic bag that came from somewhere and got loose," Hale said.New Jersey finds a new dump for medical waste, cleverly timing it's release to coincide with bits and pieces floating off the space shuttle. Director George Lucas is incensed and filing a lawsuit. Lucas is claiming the new disposal plan (devised during a clandestine 'Space Slut Invaders' party at a Garden State Parkway reststop during the previous administration) infringes on his copyright for "The Empire Strikes Back", in which the Millenium Falcon drifts off with the Imperial trash.
Former N.J. Gov. McGreevey is on a
- On Uranus, Space Cadet T.H. Sister reporting for TPI ©2006.
Posted by tree hugging sister at 02:19 PM | Comments (5)
August 08, 2006
Fortunately For the World ~ If TOWACA Press Int'l Reports It
...you don't have to decide. Our sources and resources...
"Pull your pants up, son."
Lebanese rescuer attempts to awaken exhausted poser, while Sheik "Six Pack Abs" Ali bin Bingley patiently awaits extraction from the only beam he's ever been under that wasn't out of a bottle. -Adinon Haggis, TPI
( Click HERE for entire, horrifying photo )
...are unimpeachable.
UPDATE: Bingley says to note that I"m available should any wire service positions (I won't say 'fauxtographer' because all my work is real and really happened just like my real photographs of reality.) open unexpectedly. I'm cheap, since I work from home. None of those expensive 'in country' plane tickets to buy.
Robb at Sharp as a Marble is busy documenting tragedy as well.
Posted by tree hugging sister at 11:59 PM | Comments (5)
July 08, 2006
Searching for Answers Saturday
Is it really global 'warming'...
Newly Identified Plesiosaur Swam in Cold Polar WatersScientists have identified a new species of ancient aquatic reptile that swam the seas when dinosaurs still ruled the Earth.
Dubbed Umoonasaurus, the creature lived in waters off the coast of what is now Australia 115 million years ago, when the continent was located much closer to Antarctica than it is now.
...or global 'GLIDING' ~ the ongoing refrain from "I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet"? Australian waters that were once polar are now balmy and NOT because of carbon fuels or the ozone depletion. Balmy because ALL of Australia left the area. Get my drift?
Pretty inconvenient if true...
I'm sure I'm not the only psuedo-scientist to have noticed, but I AM the only one clever enough to mention it. So it's MY theory ~
~ MINE.GLOBAL GLIDING
Posted by tree hugging sister at 10:13 AM | Comments (7)
June 13, 2006
Dear Professor Hawking
Regarding your recent warning:
Hawking Says Humans Must Go Into Space
We thought we should save you further embarrassment and let you know...
...someone's already out there.
Posted by tree hugging sister at 10:06 AM | Comments (2)
May 11, 2006
Breaking News
Our crack investigative reporting has discovered this photo of 'Grizzly' Summers in action:
Posted by Mr. Bingley at 01:18 PM | Comments (7)
May 08, 2006
I Told You to Come Alone! So Who Are These Guys?!
"My Network."
Posted by tree hugging sister at 01:33 PM | Comments (8)
April 23, 2006
BREAKING NEWS
"Fries with the Extra-Long Cheese Coney?"
Mayor Noggin takes orders at Sonic.
"I need to make sure my 3 week probationary period is over in case the run-off don't go my way. But I am offering complimentary Fresh Fruit Slushes if they'll vote for me." - ©TPI
Posted by tree hugging sister at 11:14 AM | Comments (4)
April 20, 2006
BREAKING NEWS
President Bush Responds to Threats From Iranian President
"I got yer nuke-yoo-lar right here, big guy..." -©TPI 2006
Posted by tree hugging sister at 05:18 PM | Comments (1)
February 07, 2006
Bait and Switch
...political PARTIES? Well, you could if you wanted to, if this bill gets passed in the Florida legislature.
Hunters and anglers seeking a Florida license soon may find they can take care of other important paperwork at their favorite gun or tackle store: registering to vote.State Rep. Greg Evers, R-Baker, is sponsoring a bill that would require voter registration materials be provided wherever hunting and fishing licenses are sold.
UPDATE and BUMP: An explanation for Dave, who bemoans the lack of a bill number in the news piece.
They didn't put the number in this one because then beer drinking/bass fishing/bear huntin'/rootin' tootin' REPUBLICANS would KNOW what bill to tell their state representative to support, resulting in MORE REGISTERED REPUBLICANS who seen the sign-up notice at the bait shop and...
"I'll be a horny toad, PawPaw! Didja know'd we could get the voting card here at Diver Dan's? Oh, well shit howdy! I ain't voted since Goldwater won, but fer sure I am now! They done all the work for me."...and the next thing ya know, there's REPUBLICANS running around with all the little animals up at the State House.
Democrats hate that shit. That's why they didn't put the number in there.
Only YOU can prevent REPUBLICANS.
UPDATE: Thar she blows!
Posted by tree hugging sister at 12:21 PM | Comments (6)
January 04, 2006
Zeta Update
How sad is my life now? I'm starting to read the National Hurricane Center forecasts just for their little asides:
ZETA AS A WEAKENING CYCLONE SHOULD THEN MOVE BETWEEN THE NORTHWEST AND NORTH-NORTHWEST UNTIL DISSIPATION. AS YOU CAN SEE...I RAN OUT THINGS TO SAY.FORECASTER AVILA
These guys are a hoot.
Posted by Mr. Bingley at 11:50 AM | Comments (2)
December 21, 2005
Twins Separated At Birth?
Of course, they might have been triplets...
(sorry Ken, that's not Sheila)
Posted by Mr. Bingley at 01:12 PM | Comments (7)
December 15, 2005
Is King Kong Racist?
Drudge has a link to some guy's column asserting this. I'm not convinced. My first thought is that he's a friggin' gorilla, and not the kind that Ken likes, either.
But what piqued my interest was this line seemingly offered as 'proof' of Kong's racist ways:
Indeed, a GOOGLE search using the words "King Kong racism" yielded 490,000 hits.
Is this the new standard of veracity, especially given Wiki-invent-o-pedia's troubles of late? If so, then allow me to present the Bingley Racist Scale...
"x"+racism Google results
Shaggy 55200
Scooby-Doo 71500
Underdog 128000
Spiderman 192000
Superman 284000
MoveOn 286000
Pizza 480000
King Kong 490000
Fantastic Four 581000
Rove 616000
GOP 1150000
Pope 1360000
Cheney 1470000
Democrat 1490000
Kerry 1550000
Clinton 2310000
Jackson 2370000
Republican 2950000
God 6730000
Bush 7830000
White 14000000
Black 14300000
People 24,100,000
Let's interpret our scientific data, shall we? Clearly, the racism of Kong, while barely ahead of pizza, is still a problem in the entertainment world, being second only to the Fantastic Four. Clearly, children across America should be encouraged to emulate Shaggy in these regards. What's truly shocking is how low Rove is on our scale. But the numbers don't lie, folks. Rove is only 41% as racist as the average Democrat, and the Clintons are fully 3.75 times the racist Rove is. Republicans are, of course, twice as racist as Democrats, in general, and God, predictably, falls short of Bush. Surprisingly, the Pope, while nearly 3 times as racist as King Kong, can't keep pace with Kerry. The piker.
But the data is clear: People is the biggest racist.
Is it too late for me to be nominated to the Noble Prize?
Posted by Mr. Bingley at 11:45 AM | Comments (32)
December 14, 2005
Breaking News: Christmas Almost Cancelled
I was just out walking on Water Street, getting some grub, and I saw Santa darn near get run over while he was jaywalking.
That's why he needs the reindeer to lead him around; dang fool is blind as a bat.
*thanks for the correction, John!
Posted by Mr. Bingley at 01:08 PM | Comments (3)
December 10, 2005
Nobel Laureate Says World Must Abandon Nuclear Weapons
"We are in a race against time," the 63-year-old Egyptian chief U.N. nuclear inspector Mohamed ElBaradei said about efforts to keep nuclear weapons away from terrorists. "Imagine that the only nuclear weapons remaining are the relics in our museums. Imagine the legacy we could leave to our children," he said."It would also be nice if I could score some Yankees' tickets. And a date with Anna Nicole Smith would be nice," he added.
As ElBaradei received his peace award, Iran's top nuclear official said his country would enrich uranium and produce nuclear fuel, despite an international drive to curb such efforts. Enolagayzee Aghazadeh, head of the Happy Atomic Organization of Iran, did not say when the processes would begin. Enolagayzee denies Iran's nuclear program is aimed at developing weapons, but rather devices he refered to as "Kool Kafir Kleaners," adding that the cleaning would be "da bomb."
Posted by Mr. Bingley at 05:25 PM | Comments (8)
November 04, 2005
World Exclusive
Our intrepid team of reporters here at TPI has gotten exclusive footage of one of Ken's liasons returning from last week's Mystery Trip.
Posted by Mr. Bingley at 02:42 PM | Comments (5)
September 23, 2005
BREAKING NEWS
New Orleans Mayor Trapped in Rising Floodwaters
New Orleans, LA - After claiming victory in a pitched battle for control of the city with fascist, unelected federal officials, Mayor R.A. Noggin has found himself trapped on the last short bus out of town. In a move worthy of Moses, he had stubbornly gathered his scattered citizens unto him to repopulate the Crescent City, only to find himself rapidly agreeing that buses should be used before they get wet, not after."I'll be hot-damned", Hizzoner said. "That sh$t comes up quick! And it stanks, too. Now, somebody needs to call that fat little Coast Guard admiral and tell him send a helicopter."
General Russell Honore, when queried about the dire situation, was quoted as saying "I called in the Stupid Street address where they're stuck. That's as much as we can do. Stanky flood water makes it a Coast Guard show."
Vice Admiral Thad Allen was unavailable for comment.
©2005 TOWACA PRESS INTERNATIONAL
And YES, that COPYRIGHT means we're the f@cking idiots who wrote it and it ALL BELONGS TO ONLY US. Use it without a link or a thank you and we'll sic Aztec Gods on you.
Bhuwahahahahaa!!!!
Thank you for your support.
Posted by tree hugging sister at 03:24 PM | Comments (16)