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January 23, 2007

Pardon Me While I Barf

The Scientoiletgists aren't just a bunch of ego-intense nutjobs.

Really they're not:

TOM Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientoiletgy, according to leaders of the cult-like religion.

The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world.

And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientoiletgy’s Christ-like figure.

“Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

Cruise joined the Church of Scientoiletgy in the ’80s. Leader L Ron Hoover claimed humans bear traces of an ancient alien civilisation.

I simply don't know where to begin.

Whiskey
Tango
Foxtrot

Update: I see Emily was way ahead of me on this.

Posted by Mr. Bingley at January 23, 2007 01:40 PM

Comments

Isn't that Hubbard, not Hoover?

Posted by: Mike Rentner at January 23, 2007 02:07 PM

...will be worshiped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

Folks worship Jesus? Really? For "raising awareness of the religion"?

Which religion? Wasn't he a jew?

I'm so confused. Maybe my MindHead advisor can straighten out the kinks in my aura...

Posted by: mojo at January 23, 2007 02:14 PM

I know where to begin, a couple of two-by-fours and some nails.

Posted by: DirtCrashr at January 23, 2007 02:53 PM

Yeah, I was making a Frank Zappa reference, Mike. Anyhow, the Scientoiletgists have a history of harassing the poop out of anyone who dares to question them, so i'm just changing a name or two to mess up their google searches.

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at January 23, 2007 03:31 PM

I still claim this gives us justification to nail him to a tree.

Posted by: Cullen at January 23, 2007 03:41 PM

"You know, we killed the last guy who showed up claiming to be God. And WE STILL KNOW WHERE THE NAILS ARE!"

Posted by: mojo at January 23, 2007 03:51 PM

Mr. B. -- you should probably consider doctoring David Miscamidget's name as well.

"...for his work to raise awareness of the religion."

Oh, he deserves a friggin' award for his efforts. More people than ever know what a crock of shit ruse that "religion" is thanks to him.

Posted by: Emily at January 23, 2007 04:37 PM

Let's drop him in the middle of the Pacific. He shouldn't have a problem walking across the water.

Posted by: Gunslinger at January 23, 2007 07:15 PM

If you are going to compare the compact and recently pudgy one with Christ the least he can do is rise from the dead.
The Sci's make him sound more like a successful tourist bureau than the son of God.

Posted by: colin at January 24, 2007 01:14 AM