The Coalition of the Swilling

NO soul on earth since Jesus is worth $250.

NO. One.*

*see Home Depot post

$250 MILLION, either.

Any activity, the rules of which do not encourage physical contact with the opposing team, is a game, not a sport. See George Carlin. Soccer is a lady's game. Real women, on the other hand, play lacrosse.

In all fairness, we *did* foist Madonna on the Brits. I guess this is their revenge, the black-hearted bastards.

Payback with a bitch, eh?

I've heard it said (it may have been Malcolm Gladwell or Chuck Klosterman, some smart-type writer-guy) that the reason soccer is so popular with kids is that one can run around for a solid hour and never sniff the ball, and not be ridiculed for being bad at sports. In other words, the entire thing is one large right field. Once those kids drop out, their families stop watching, ergo little demand for a professional soccer league here, especially considering the competition from other sports (and really fast driving).

I think *** I'm *** worth at least $250 million, ths, maybe more. I concede that most disagree.

'Fly is onto something I've often thought about with metric football. It is the ultimate liberal, nanny-state, euroweenie, suburban-helicopter-mom, self-esteem-uber-alles team sport. Check it out:

- There is (practically) no scoring as there is in most other sports

- Unlike football and hockey, there is no deliberate contact to hurt the poor babies

- Unlike baseball and basketball, it requires no actual skill of any kind to play at the beginner level and nobody has to practice to look competent

- Everybody messes up and loses the ball all the time, so nobody looks sillier than anybody else when they mess up

- Even the kids who just run around without paying attention look like they're participating

What feelgood, kid-spoiling, liberal parent could ask for more?

Oh, and regarding right field: Yeah, until a ball is hit there (see point 4 above).

"There is (practically) no scoring as there is in most other sports"

I was kinda poking some fun at a soccer dad along these lines one time, Ken.

Him: It's not just about scoring.

Me: I agree. After watching portions of the World Cup Final, seeing it end in a zero-zero tie after regulation and overtime, and then having to decide it on penalty kicks, I'd say it has absolutely NOTHING to do with scoring. Gimme football, baseball, or basketball and call me an ugly American any day.

RUN.................................................................................NUR............RUN.....................................RUN....................................................................................................NUR......................................RUN...............NUR...................................RUN....................KICK............................................................NUR...................RUN...................................CARD...............................NUR............................................................RUN................................HALFTIME............NUR..................................RUN...................TIE..............................GAME OVER

"seeing it end in a zero-zero tie after regulation and overtime, and then having to decide it on penalty kicks"

Rob, I had a guy a few years back complaining about the "Americanization" of soccer - "Americans have a problem with ties, they need to have a winner and loser."

Uh, well, yeah. That's kind of the point of a game.

One additional point on soccer: the entire lack of conflict/contact on the field. I suspect this is much of the reason there's so much violence off the field among the soccer hooligans.

Guys, you're missing something: the reason soccer is so popular among the liberal set is because it's popular in Europe. Call it "football" at your liberal buddies' cocktail parties and you have earned a year's worth of progressive cred.

You may be right, Andrea.

It's a game of nuance that us cowboys simply don't understand.

Just like those tennis hooligans Ken? The damage they cause when they start hurling those watercress sandwiches!

I am so happy the little ray of sunshine played hockey instead of soocer. Would have been happier if the kid played baseball but hockey worked.

B, I was talking about normal people, not people who watch tennis.

And to add to Andrea's observation, it's also popular in the third world among the little brown peoples, especially in Latin America, which makes it more "authentic" and gives it "moral authority".

On that tennis issue, I stand corrected. Or maybe it actually confirms by previous point.

You know, I think the "no goals" thing is a good point. Also the bogus offside rule. But if you do something wrong it's essentially a free goal because the goalie has no chance at all on a free kick from the penalty spot. Andrea's right, it's really the ultimate Euro game - in order you win you have to wait for sanctions against the other team, which work unless you do something colossally bad like miss your point-blank kick against a helpless target.

Tonight we just played a 1-0 hockey game. The difference is that it's rare, and therefore exciting. We earned our goal, dammit. And when someone gets knocked down here, his teammates yell at him to GET OFF HIS ASS, ALREADY, get back into the game. The footie guys act as if they've been pegged with a shotgun blast.